Part 1. Before the illness

2008 I am 26 years old. I am the founder of a small successful organization that is rapidly gaining momentum. Married Son 2 years. My way of life in relation to family values, if not go into details, is terrible.

Over the course of the year I observe productivity drops. You work effectively for a month: as a locomotive, you hardly work for a month. Thoughts are increasingly turning to finding the meaning of life.

August 2008. The first sign of switching over to the edge of healthy thinking. The thought came about how to optimize the political world order, stop all sorts of things and do just that. I start to address this idea to politicians. Someone supports, someone looks like a madman. After a few days, the superidea goes away, and I lead a normal life again.

Part 2. Aggravation

December 24, 2008. I do not remember how this day began. Before that, I did not sleep 2 or 3 nights. Thoughts went to the head in an endless stream and did not allow to fall asleep. It seemed to me that I feel the universe, I understand the essence of all things. It was worth thinking about something, how the answers themselves appeared to me. From the nonstop stream of consciousness, her head began to ache. I put my hands on the hot forehead and sat in the sage's pose. The pleasant chill of the hands cooled the head, helping to calm down and rest from thoughts.

What was I thinking about? At first I was thinking about the crisis, inflation, I was working on a new exchange mechanism. I thought about the problems of Russia and the world as a whole. Discovered the theory of human relations. Thoughts flowed extremely quickly, I managed to record some of them. Gradually, I began to think about the origin of man and religion.

A keen sense of justice has come. I wrote down the names of all the people before whom, in my opinion, it was worth apologizing.

Deeper and deeper plunging into a stream of thoughts, I became more and more clear, as it seemed to me, began to understand the universe. I began to feel that I was approaching God. From this euphoria began: the ultimate level of happiness. I looked at the clock, the evening was approaching: a time when Catholics begin to celebrate Christmas. My wife sent me to the store. On the way, I congratulated everyone on Christmas. Feeling close to God, I was truly happy, it seemed to me that I could do anything. I didn’t buy anything in the store, and distributed all the cash to sellers.

Returning home with nothing, my wife began to attack me with questions. She was so persistent that I did not know where to go from her. I locked myself in the room and plunged into the stream of consciousness again. I clearly saw what heaven is and what the hell is. I felt that I would inevitably get somewhere. I clearly realized that I will create hell and heaven for myself and I will be there when I want to: “And I’ll be the second hand of the clock and a light bulb, not screwed in a cartridge, and a cat in the hands of a sadist, and a victim of a maniac.”

I thought about myself. Where should I be? All my sins resurfaced. Who am I? Where is my seat? I began to feel the most terrible person. I felt such grief, which I had never experienced before. Tears poured from his eyes. Understanding what kind of person I am, the thought came to me that I should not live on this earth any longer: “Let me be closed in a psychiatric clinic where I can decide how to kill myself.” Dividing my wife and son into separate rooms, I began to try to explain to my wife what was happening to me. My wife called her parents and managed to say "trouble", I snatched and broke the phone. Gathered cell phones and also broke them. “My place is in prison!” Half-naked, in some pants, I ran out into the street and ran barefoot through the snow to a police station. Having run 50 meters, I returned to the porch and sat down on the stairs near the apartment.

I was put in a psychiatric clinic, where I spent 3 months.

Part 3. Hospital

The morning of December 25, 2008. I woke up before the others. Parents came, but they are still asleep. On the table is a broken TV. I close my eyes and for a moment imagine that I am dead.First woke mom. I am as hungry as possible, but as soon as I eat a small piece of bread or porridge, I become as full as possible. I throw out food in the trash.

Relatives gathered, doctors and police arrived. I am voluntarily offered to go to the hospital. Police for some reason with guns. When one of them started to enter the room, I shouted: "Here he is, the devil!".

After some persuasion, they put me in handcuffs and take me to an ambulance to the hospital. On the way to one of the cops I say:
  - Lean down to me, I need you to say something.
He apparently jokingly replies:
  - No, I'm afraid you'll kill me with a look.
  “I won't kill you with my eyes,” I reply.

At the local hospital

Brought to the hospital and tied to the bed. "They lay on always" as they put it. For some reason they forgot to tie one hand. I hide her and tell a young lad who was running around me: look, I can free my hand. I raise my hand and he is amazed. Calls me Copperfield.

The boy complains that he constantly masturbates, I throw him toilet paper.

A few days later, after a bit of a horse’s dose of haloperidol, I found a poster in the corridor:
No one may be subjected to compulsory treatment.

As it turned out, this rule has an exception:

  1. A patient is dangerous for himself or others.
  2. If you do not take urgent measures, the situation will worsen.

Republican Hospital

Chamber number zero: “Zero” - patients who are in a state that requires constant monitoring get here. There are two orderlies sitting opposite the ward.

Slowly come back to normal. Transfer to another room. Permit to walk down the hall.

There is something to be surprised at at the hospital, because this is an unusual hospital:
  “Volchara, roll me,” shouts a thin orderly, jumping up on a backside joke to one of the sick. Volchara - strong, runs along the corridor and rolls the orderly. The orderly is colorful, not so much physically strong as with the concepts.

The condition has stabilized. They let me go on home leave. I'm going for a cousin's birthday party. My stomach hurts, I take activated charcoal, the drugs stop working. Fly-go! Relatives quickly take me to the hospital using a tricky trick, otherwise I would resist. This is an exception to the rule: if urgent measures are not taken, the situation will worsen.

Zero again. Here he is paradise, and where I should be. I am surrounded by patients, we conduct a dialogue:
  - Andrei, will you be an apostle?
  - Yes, I will.
  - Scar, my city is the most criminal in the republic.
Scar - when it was ...

One of the patients:
  - I have a girl from your city, I love her.
I will definitely visit and say hello.
  - And you give her flowers.
  - Yes.

I stand at the entrance to zero. None of her do not let out. I say to the orderly: “What are you sitting here? I do all the work for you. ” He is scared, but does not give sight. One of the patients promised me an "ohh ... yarit" because I did not let him out. I stop my activity. A second orderly arrives, and I am mated again.

Untie me, I tell one of the sick. He does not agree. In the evening I am fed with a spoon, because my hands are tied and I myself cannot eat. They inject a sedative and after a while they untie me.

Stand in line for food (20 people). It takes a professor, head. department at the hospital. Allocates me from the crowd, shakes my hand and goes further.

  “There is such a drug: zyprexa,” he says. I immediately think that he is in a secret community that distributes medicines.

  “Can I read other people's thoughts,” he says. I answer: no.They rejoice with the doctor and say: well, that's good! I say: in Japan, they conduct experiments, which they learned to determine by connecting the sensors to the head, which bands on the screen the person sees, vertical or horizontal. In essence, this is a mind reading. There is a dispute. Professor displeased. I remember how through an EEG a person uses the effort of thought to type text on a computer. In fact, this is again, such a reading of thoughts. The professor is angry.

  - Is it possible to forgive Hitler ?, - I ask the patient. He answers in panic: that he cannot make such decisions.


A layman with a beard and a straight nose is drawn into the hospital, as on icons. He helps everyone except me. I stay away from. I ask him for the bible. He does not willingly give and demands that I wash my hands after using the toilet each time before taking it. The book is miniature, it is not convenient to read. On the windowsill found a large copy. Book return layman.
Calling the Layman to dialogue: “Who is the Savaof?” He nervously starts to fiddle with a cross and answers something unintelligible.


Next to me lay three people, from whom I felt a negative energy. All of them have changed their "deployment". One, after a change of place, said: "Here, it is much better to lie here."

The nurse remains after the shift and sings prayers and songs. Patients love her. Every time they gather around her and listen. It is magical.

Part 4. Eight years of treatment by half

After consulting with that professor, I begin taking zyprexa as a mono-therapy. There are almost no leaps. Hold on Standing at a local hospital. No one knows my exact diagnosis. They say polymorphic mental disorder. But what it is and how to live with this I can not imagine.

Zyprexa works effectively. I can sleep 24 hours, then 24 do not sleep, and so all day. I suffer from a non-24-hour sleep-wake cycle. I can not cope with this. My wife scolds me for it. Periodically there are severe depression. But everyone is happy about it. The patient lies and does not rush to anyone.

To track the jumps, I made a list of markers, when triggered, I increased the dose of zyprexes so that I would not fly away again. At first there were few markers, then it became a lot up to 10 + they mimicry.

I called them: "Signs of that side":

  1. Excessive religiosity.
  2. Thoughts grow too fast.
  3. Communication where there are none.
  4. Easy way to get over the results.
  5. Thought is given a great deal.
  6. I got in touch with the universe.
  7. I am the chosen one and can drastically change the world.
  8. I am healthy and not sick.
  9. Medicines do not need to be taken.
  10. Feeling of bliss, unreality of what is happening.

If any of this works, immediately increase the dose of medication. So I lived 8 years.

We arrived at the beach. I lay on the sand in clothes barely alive. Friends joking at home.

Test questions:

1. What are the chances my firm will be the greatest in history?
If the probability of 100% - anxiety. You need to raise the dose again.

2. Do I need to read books for professional growth?
If not - anxiety.

3. How likely are we to exceed peak results of previous years?
If 100%, also anxiety.

I found the definition of nonsense - statements that do not correspond to reality, in which the patient is completely unshakably convinced and who cannot be corrected.

Part 5. Accurate diagnosis

Wife insisted to go to the capital of the republic for advice. So I was not like a vegetable.

Psychiatrist asks the right question:
  - Do you have ups and downs. I say yes. And this is the key to understanding what I'm sick of.
Bipolar disorder is an incurable disease. Mania changes with depression in places and such swings drive a person from side to side.

Weird Professor

We are going to see another professor who is rumored to use non-standard methods of treatment.

He writes a recovery formula on a piece of paper:
Ziprex is removed, we add the scheme of ariprizol + antidepressant, transcendental meditation and yoga therapy.

I do not believe in all this, but he insists on trying.

Part 6. Partial return to normal

Spring 2017. Begin to follow all the instructions of the new doctor. Partially back to normal. Sleep problems go away, but depression remains. Change antidepressants every few months. I meditate a little and do yoga with great reluctance.

I have a dream. After much torment, I turned into a stream, which fell into a vast ocean. People continued to fight, and blood flowed into the ocean, and I was him and felt all the pain of these people.

I study the Vedas and some other religions, but the Vedas are more.

Depression "pounding" sometimes so much that I just want to get rid of it all as soon as possible. We turn on fevarin 100 mg a day at night.

Part 7. Recovery

Depression goes away and my productivity increases tenfold. Again suspicion of mania. We cancel all antidepressants, we appoint ariprizol a double dose + fenibut.

The effective state does not go away. Again, consultation with all the familiar professors, doctors and relatives.

Wife in a panic, as if something did not work out.

I decide to use the last method: neuro-linguistic programming + self-hypnosis.

I am healthy and for now at least one person considers me sick - I am sick. We are setting up all relatives to consider me healthy, to think that I am healthy, to know it and to act accordingly. First of all it concerns me myself.

Now all 10 markers are displayed and control questions no longer work. The Young scale for evaluating mania does not work either.

I'm healthy!

Source text: Ill-healthy