Catch Me If You Can

Catch Me If You Can


You are an effective manager. I am a programmer. You managed to be my boss. I am engaged in automation of our fucking factory. You pretend to be in charge of this process.

I was at your interview. Not on the ground, but on the cross. I heard you say that you once was a programmer. Then some implementation projects led. It was very successful. But for some dick came into our hole.

You say you know everything about automation. You call yourself the master of the souls of programmers. You say they dance like a cobra at your pipe.
Well. Check.

Oh, how predictable. You brought us together in a conversation, and you push it. Let me guess - now you will say that the main thing is the result. Exactly, it is. At this enterprise, only the one who gives the result is valued - you say. You are here one day, and you will tell me what is valued at our enterprise?

Tell us about the value of the result of the head of production, in combination - a childhood friend of the founder. And he will tell you how, for example, technologists are fleeing from him, because he not only stupid, but also did not deign to figure out what he is in charge over the years.

With the quality director about the results, can you talk? Then you tell me why they call getting an ISO certificate.

Okay, come on, go ahead. Result, result. Oh, a new word, I have not heard this - business. Cool. I did not know that an adjective could be formed from the word “business”. Apparently, you can be effective. Okay, let's go to work.

A good habit is to leave the development environment open on your computer after modifying some piece of code. That was visible the icon of modification. Then I can answer your question about the current task very simply. Yes, this is a module. Yes, it is a code. What kind of module? Decision SLAU. You do not know what is SLAU? Well then listen ... Do you want to listen, you have a lot of cases? Well, go do your work. What am I doing with SLAU? I accelerate convergence so that there are fewer iterations.

Oh, how I did not think - because you are interested in business problems. You think you will drive me into the paint by asking which of the users need this? Go to the accounting department, ask how they relate to the cost calculation rate. How and where does SLAU ?! Do not you know that all decent people have long considered the cost, applying SLAU? Oh, yes, I heard somewhere. Come on, bye.

What? What time will I assign myself to this task? Are you serious? Is this some kind of management technique, or what? Well, and I have a technique. The term is two months. Too long? Well yes, I knew you would say so.

Come on, tell me again about the fact that programmers themselves do not understand how inefficient they are. That there are no tasks that need to be addressed for two months. I know myself. Come on in half. Great, the new term is a month. Fits.

The next morning, after the meeting, you are running white as chalk. Yeah, hooked on the ear. Or immediately inserted. Interesting, is a good damper out of you? And then I usually inserted.

Come on, tell me. Accounting complains. Clear. Programmers do not help them. Let's discuss.

Do you want to discuss? You are a boss, I am a subordinate, and accounting tasks are business? I know that the end of the quarter. I know what to close. I know what the fines are. I also know that they can do everything themselves. I taught them everything myself. And while you were away, they did everything themselves. And you hooked in your ear, because you-a moron. They know that the details you do not know. They know that you need to gain a foothold and get connections. They know that the opinion of managers about you is more important to you than those very business tasks.

Let's count, eh? Do you even know how to count? Watch it. You bend under the fact that the programmer sat down and worked for an accountant. An accountant costs the company 3-4 times cheaper than a programmer.At the same time, the accountant, while I work for him, cannot assume even one percent of my tasks. Actually, like you yourself. And this is all the lyrics ... as you say. Now I will go and do what I do. To earn some money as an accountant with my salary is a nice thing, because the work there doesn’t beat a recumbent. Just do not forget that the time frame for solving my very important task about SLAE is increased by at least two weeks. Why so much? Well, think for yourself - I'll change the context. You are an effective manager, you know how a change of context affects a programmer, especially - such an abrupt one. Do not you know? And, somewhere heard, but you think that this is all - nonsense? Claim that anyone can work in multitasking mode?

Well, let's compare. Your job is to tryndet, to read and write letters, to shit in my brain. Each task is a maximum of an hour. It is clear that you are not difficult to switch. And I dig into the code, the context of the problem grows exponentially, and it must be kept in mind. Emerged from the context - the whole way will have to be repeated anew. I can not be distracted. I can not switch. The only reason you can kick me off is if you want me to work worse. Do you want Not? And yes, you have a business problem ...

So you want me to save you from attack, right? And you will not be in debt? Oh, just do not start ... I do not threaten you, boots. You're a sucker, forgive me. At me where you sit down there and get down. And your fingers clicked, and you ran to perform. Okay, save your effective ass.

I'm coming to ask you for a salary increase. I know that it is useless. You do not decide anything in this company. The maximum that you can - go to the director or owner, and pass my request. You will not ask for me, to persuade, to analyze the labor market. You might even offer to reduce my salary by passing it off as your result. How, saved the company ten per month.

Yes, I thought too highly of you. Immediately you begin to play up and say that now is not the time. What should give the result. A working system is not a damn result. We need projects, breakthroughs, a qualitative leap in automation. And pofigu that you do not know what it is. You promise to think. Perhaps discuss with the director. What a miserable misery you are ...

Come and talk through your teeth. We see that you want to say something. Well, say what about the bush. Ah, got it. Angry that I jumped over your head - went to the director and agreed to increase my salary.

Well, my dear, I have been working here with this director for several years. Even when he was not a director. I then automated his service far and wide. He remembers the good. Without a bazaar, he took and threw a twenty. And what's the point of trying through you? I will retire until you decide to pull your tongue out of your ass.

You are the manager, moreover - effective. There are hundreds of people like you, even in our village. This is what I thought those who are looking for work. And I am a programmer. Go to hh, see how many programmers have vacancies. And then look how many resumes. Then tell me how badly I acted. I will find a similar job for the day.

Well, what are you doing? Anything else you want to ask? Oh her ... Well, sit down, tell you how in this company to receive a salary increase. It is necessary to work, my friend, and not sit at meetings. You do think that work is something that should be presented at a beautiful presentation, in the presence of top management, so that everyone applauded and envied you. No, work is easier and lower. And it is done with the hands, not with the tongue.

Sure that we need a system of applications from users? No I do not mind. At least I won't tell you about it. And why do you want her? Metrics count? SLA? Do you want to finally understand what I'm doing here? Requests from users will be coordinated? Well, yes, this is the work of the manager.

Okay, let's run. Only, you know that users will not use it? Are you convinced? Make you? Well, good luck. And I will solve problems bypassing your system.

Offended, or what? Oh, come on your rule. Yes, I remembered. Solve only those tasks that are issued through the system, and received your approval. Easy. How many tasks are there now? Three? Here I will solve them. And you run, convince.

That hung his head, my dear man? Again got in a meeting? Let me guess - you put in for the fact that the problems are not solved? And you said that these tasks are not written down, why are they not being solved? And they told you that you yourself wrote down your tasks? Yeah, now I must write down all the tasks?

You, then, will run into the office like this, throw me a task, and I will drive it into the system, set your fucking metrics and utility classifiers? Is it a pity? Normal such work secretarial. I have already worked as an accountant, thanks to you.

What, again inserted? Well, yes, the programmer does not solve the problems of users. Because the programmer drives in tasks of users. Make the fool pray to God, as they say - I’m not sitting and not waiting for the tasks to be brought to me. I go, I talk to users, I pull tasks from them. Slowly I write down, analyze, write out the metadata, I design the architecture. Unfortunately, there is no time left for programming. What do you want? Your idea is to put a task management system?

It is high time. Turning off your system, working as before.

What are you yelling for? After all, I drove off to the conference, and I made a report for you. Well done, by the way. True, I made some adjustments. Are you offended because of this?

Well look. You wanted to earn political points, and calculated the cost of solving each problem. Trailer there potential benefits for the enterprise. Did you succeed, sort of, that the company is in the black?

Only you made one mistake in the calculations - only my salary included in the cost of automation. And I also added yours. And oh ... All your pluses were minuses. The company turns out to be losing money. With me - in the black. With you - in the red. Okay, don't yell. I’m not going to do reports for you anymore. If not call, of course.

No, I will not evaluate the feasibility of your project. Yes, you do not ask. Not lordly this thing. You have been assigned a project, I will do it. I know for sure that no one will enjoy the results. Because in the first year of work I did the exact same project. He was a fool too.

Now I know that high-ranking users are asking for automation not because they need it, but because they want to strain the IT department. Or because they put in a weak automation. But you don't know that. And I will not enlighten you. The first rule of a factory programmer is to let others make mistakes.

Of course, I will complete this project. Naturally, I will do it qualitatively. Yes, I agree to do it quickly. Under no circumstances, I will not tell you that there is nothing to program there - I did everything a long time ago. Now I’ll give you four months, you’ll reduce it to two, and I’ll have a great vacation at the workplace.

What, do not use the results of your project? Are rolling out piles of new requirements that look more like crazy notes? Well, what are you waiting for. And, you think, business in a curve code? Want to review? I would only be happy.

Yes, of course, come on, show you the code. You are a former programmer. What are you looking for? Requests in a loop? Found? What else do you know about the quality of the code? And, you no longer have time, will you call an external programmer to evaluate? Come on, in full growth. I wonder who will come - Seryoga or Lyokha?

Seryoga came. Similarly, Lyokha left for Moscow. Well done Seryoga, pretends that we are not familiar. Now this boots will go, and talk normally. The result of the review is easy to predict. Who knows, what if suddenly Seryogin will call me to check the code?

Project awards are great. Yes, I understand. To keep me in salary is wrong, because I have no motivation. You know better than me how to motivate me. And you have no levers of influence on me. How - an effective manager, and without leverage.

Well, yes, I now lead fourteen projects. Yes, there used to be one. And now fourteen. Well you wanted to motivate me - you did it all, congratulations. Well, yes, this project is carried out in a week. And that - for three days. Such projects, what is there ... Formal criteria are met. I even designed the paper as it should. Come on, write out the premium.

Everybody laughs at you. At your big meetings, of course, this does not happen. But in the smoking room, I hear about this. And do not mind. I support. Developing.

Because you are a clown. You do not understand programming. You do not know the system in which we work. You do not know the subject area. You have never been in the workshop.

You come to the departments and start talking about automation. They tell you where you need to improve, and you are silent. Because you do not understand half of the words that you say. You can only write. And send me to "clarify the formulation of the problem." And they laugh and ask, “what for has this come.”

No, I will not do your task. I have a task from the director. Yes, urgent. No, I don't know why you don't know anything about this task. Go ask if you want. Do not want? No, I will not tell you what this task is about. Insist? Come on, insist. Go on dick. Yes, right in the eyes - go to dick. You're so pathetic that I don't even feel sorry for you.

Go complain to the director. Tell me to fire me. And you will solve the problem. Or find a new programmer. Seryoga is just free, sort of. Do it - a couple of days, and the guy will leave. Or outsourcers hire. What are you still able to do there? Oh, do not threaten me. Nothing will come of my side. No one will ask you a recommendation for me. We will never meet again.

No, I do not know why they fire you. No, I am not involved in this. No, nobody talked to me about you. No, I will not give you a recommendation. No, I do not want to take your place. I am a programmer, I'm fine with that.

Source text: Catch Me If You Can